Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Things are Happening: In the Every Day

A few weeks ago, I had a great visit and walk with my friend Elle in La Jolla. Afterwards, I needed to cool off so I decided to put my feet into the ocean. I wasn't sure at first about doing it while I leaned over the fence, taking in the waves. It wasn't the first time I've done this. The only thing holding me back from putting my feet in was myself, and that wasn't enough. No one was on Shell Beach. Why not take the time? I grabbed my spare sandals I kept in the trunk and headed down. 

The water felt amazing after this 95-100 degree weather. A couple joined me, and I had a lovely visit with the wife. She told me that when she saw I was in the water, it inspired them to do it too. One by one, more people wandered down until there was 10-15 of us on the small beach.  

The last year held its ups and downs. I'm making the effort to tell myself, "Everything will work out." Between querying agents and the path to adoption at the same time, I've had to adjust my expectations of myself.  To keep taking risks. I'm seeing more posts lately about positivity, but I've been keeping other things in my mind too. 

1) What is the truth in your life? 
It's good to be realistic and a dreamer, but am I being true to myself? I knew for years that we would adopt. At first, we tried to have a biological child. Then, about a year ago, I looked in the mirror and it was through my own eyes that I knew that we should adopt. 

It felt right. I felt fierce. And, as you see here, I haven't forgotten about that moment. 

2) Things will happen in their own time. 
We don't know when we'll bring our child home. We don't know what amazing and brave (I could go on) birth mother will choose us, but we know she's out there. She will change our lives, and there will be no way that we can repay her. We'll make her as much part of the family as we can because that's what we'll be because of her. I can't wait while holding my breath. It will happen, and for now, that's enough.

With querying for books, it's harder since there's a lot of effort. Writing. Revising. Query letters. The dreaded synopsis. Research. Book events. Conferences. Twitter research (obviously!). Sending e-mails. Filling out spreadsheets. The rejections. The small victories. Waiting, and again, I can't hold my breath. If I keep going, it will happen with time. 

I will persist. 

3) If it doesn't cost anything, then is it worth it?
When I was seventeen, I joined the National Guard to help pay for college. I didn't know what choices I had at the time, and I was scared. At the same time, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I didn't know what it meant, really, and it was the reason why I had to receive a medical discharge. I then applied for college, was accepted, and moved from a town of 15 people where I lived my whole life to 100,000 people in less than two months. A few people didn't agree with my decisions, but it was my health-- and my heart. If I hadn't made those decisions, I would have went to a different college.

I wouldn't have met my husband. My best friends. My whole life wouldn't have lead me here to San Diego where I will become a mother and the writer I always dreamed of being all these years. 

I bleed on the pages. I hurt for the things I lost. I fought for the things I gained. 

I stay determined.

And when I look at this list, I'll probably kick myself when I'm having a stressful day of "when will it happen?" or stare off in the distance wondering "when will someone say yes?".

Then I will remember. It wasn't easy, but I'm doing it.


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