Last week, I took out my rollerskates for the first time in weeks. I walked down to the bike path which follows the Red River right across the street from our home. I put on my skates there since I could never make it up the hill over the flood dike that protects us in the springtime. Then, I stood up, and went southward down the path.
It was a mistake. As a kid, I only skated on flat surfaces. The bike path, however, had little hills that caused me to start going much too fast for my own good. A curve appeared in that trail and I could have made it, except there was a puddle that threw me off. I fell, and I fell real hard. I was glad that I had my protective gear on (which I have been noticing people don't wear at all), but it didn't do me a heap of good this time around.
It wasn't as bad if I were alone, but then a man rode by on his bike. He could have stopped to help me, or just ignored my spill. Instead, he yelled at me to be more careful. Not once. Twice.
I then stood up, and I knew I couldn't move forward with the pain coming from my backside and leg. I took off my skates as fast as I could, and I went home to soak my wound.
I didn't have to tell this story. No one had to know that I embarrassed myself on the bike trail and that it took five days for me to not feel the physical pain any longer. Still, I had fallen and it put things into perspective for me.
Earlier in the week, I had a dream and I can still feel what I was feeling in the dream. The whole scenario followed how I found out I was pregnant, down to the moment where I was sitting at the doctor's office when they told me it was true. It was unexpected, unplanned, and I sat there and I knew everything would be just fine.
I am not pregnant (and don't expect to be for a while), but it must represent a big change and that whatever happens will turn out just fine. Then, I fall on my behind and it takes me to the other side of the spectrum of feeling like an utter failure.
I contemplated for a long time after that fall and started to think about what I need to do. I started to create a list of goals in my head, tried to decide what really matters, and so on. It was a mix of writing goals, exercising, relationships, and just the every day. The things that I need now, and doesn't lead too far into the future. A starting point towards something maybe bigger, or just enough.